Can we just talk about the word empower because And I hear you using it, nd I think you're using it in an appropriate way. But when I hear that women are empowering women... I don't know what you guys think.... for me, it's like, does that mean that we never had the power in the first place? That women have to be empowered?
My mother always says you need to be empowered, and it makes me absolutely insane, I hate it, I hate it because it puts the burden on me. It's one more thing that I have to do. I mean, if I'm not empowered, then it is my fault, is not one more thing I have to do.
But if I am not empowered, then it is my fault.
But it also implies that you didn't have the power in the first place.
It's not my read. It's not how I interpret it.
I'm really torn. I'm really torn on this one because I see, I see that. But I believe most women don't feel empowered.
Which is really too bad.
I know it's one of the reasons we're here.
True.
I don't love the word empowered, but I don't right now know a good alternative to that. I mean, I do know with unabashed and this podcast, what we're trying to do is share stories, our own stories, stories of other brilliant women who have walked similar paths, and also provide very tangible, practical tools to help women find their voice, to help them reclaim their power, to help them transform from where they are today.
Whether they feel stuck or they're frustrated, they feel unheard, undervalued.
You know, use the adjective to feeling more fulfilled, you know, valued, complete, whole, happy.
How about rather than reclaim their power, find their power, locate their power?
Absolutely. And I think that goes back to I think the reclaim your power comes from not liking the word power, because I don't want to say, oh, woman never had the power. So they're going to reclaim their power. Yeah. Because I think women, even when we've reached this midlife stage, there are some women who felt like I've never had any power. "I've always done what people have told me to do."
Which is really, you know, this is a hot take. Are you ready?
I'm ready.
I get really frustrated because it's like, let's teach women how to go for increased comp when we know there are studies saying both men and women, when they get a request from a woman to increase their compensation, they look at that woman negatively. And that woman is more likely to pay a cultural cost.
And so I don't need you to teach me how to negotiate. I need the manager to dump their unconscious bias and look at my request and how it impacts the business and how I bring value or my actual value is that employee, that's who needs to be taught. I get really frustrated when I see things that are like, well, closed mouth doesn't get fed, 1,000%, but we were not... there's a reason we're keeping our mouths closed.
Yep.
Right.
Because we have had that. I have had I've only had one positive compensation discussion in my 20 year career. Every other one has been either demoralizing or I've paid a social cost for it.
And so that's where I get incredibly frustrated. And so when we talk about things like embrace your power or empower, we have to recognize that there are some organizations that they are never going to be ready for.. I will speak for myself ... that are never going to be ready for what I bring to the table. They're never going to want me. And here's the thing, I'm never going to want them.
So how do I get to the place to find where I do belong. And so for me, when I've worked in toxic places before, it took me like six months and a new place to like finally be able to relax a little bit. But I just, I definitely want to be sensitive to the fact that there are organizations that I'm never going to fit into.
I never will, and frankly, I never want to.
Right.
So how do I, how do I find the organizations and then get into those organizations with the credentials that I bring?
00:05:29:20 - 00:05:33:25
Well, there is a lot to unpack there, Brooke.
You are welcome.
It just gets really frustrating when you're, it's constantly put on you. How do we get you to get people to treat you right equitably.
Right.
How do we get you. To do that. And I think not recognizing that there are just some places that it will never be right.
So one of the things that really has frustrated me when I've worked in the corporate world is when they will eventually promote someone to a management position, they just promote them. They have no management training. The people in senior leadership are there. They've had no management training. They have no idea. They read Stephen Covey's book or some other book, you know, and oh, all of a sudden they know how to be a manager.
No they don't. And first of all, they have absolutely no emotional intelligence.
Or they're just really, really good at their job.
Right? So they're promoted.
It's not that they're really good at leading people.
Yeah. Exactly.
So how in the world is anybody who works for them going to learn how to be a leader of people? If their leader is a terrible leader, you know, it is this horrible, horrible, horrible cycle. It's like being in a dysfunctional family, and the cycle just keeps going and going and you never break out of it.
No wonder companies don't succeed or they don't meet their KPIs or whatever it is. It's because you have the wrong people in charge, or you're not putting the proper investment where it needs to be. Let's just keep hiring more salespeople instead of, let's focus on the resources that we have and making them better at what they do. Let's empower them with the tools and the resources in the knowledge to be better leaders of people so we can grow better leaders.
Because eventually those people are going to gray out. Right? And then what are you left with? More bad leaders.
So now we've really gone all over the place. But I did want to share, one story about negotiation, I worked for an organization where they were promoting me to, a much larger role, which I had earned through, performance. My boss was asking me, he actually asked me, what kind of pay do you think you deserve?
And it was an awkward question, but I had thought about it a lot. I was turning 40 and I said, well, you know, I have goals. And my goal for by the time I turned 40, I was going to be making X.
You know what he did? He laughed.
Oh my gosh.
He laughed.
What did they do? They paid me that, which was a substantial increase. But he laughed and I looked at him, why are you laughing? He's like, oh, I don't know. He never gave me an answer.
And you still wonder about that, don't you?
I do.
But they still paid me. So why did he laugh? Was it because I asked for too little maybe, or because he thought I was, it was so cute that I had like a number in mind, and I had a goal?
So when I teach managers on how to hear compensation requests, one of the biggest things, and I think this is so important if you're a leader of people, is even if you think that that's the most ridiculous number, you need to understand that you are impacting that employee for their rest of their working lives. How, when they ask to be equitably compensated or compensated appropriately how their manager is going to react.
And that asking for compensation is an extreme act of vulnerability and loyalty, because studies show that women to increase their compensation will leave before they ask, because they don't want to be seen as disloyal. And I would argue it's because of learned behavior.
Being able to ask is an extreme act of loyalty and an extreme act of vulnerability.
Yeah.
Instead of thinking, they're trying to get X from this company. And even though I may have X to spend now, it's about my ego.
Well it's a difficult, it's one of those difficult conversations.
But I do think that we need to do a whole podcast on how to ask for increased comp.
I agree, and we will. In the meantime we have a download available for our audience about how to negotiate and have some of those difficult conversations. So look for that on the be-unabashed.com website.
